Bird Problems Quest

You are in a dark place. A dream, or perhaps something more obscure. What kind of bird are you?? (link: "Penguin")[(set: $b to "penguin", $B to "Penguin", $bs to "penguins", $Bs to "Penguins", $ba to "a penguin")(goto: "Intro")] (link: "Ostrich")[(set: $b to "ostrich", $B to "Ostrich", $bs to "ostriches", $Bs to "Ostriches", $ba to "an ostrich")(goto: "Intro")] (link: "Chicken")[(set: $b to "chicken", $B to "Chicken", $bs to "chickens", $Bs to "Chickens", $ba to "a chicken")(goto: "Intro")] (link: "Goose")[(set: $b to "goose", $B to "Goose", $bs to "geese", $Bs to "Geese" , $ba to "a goose")(goto: "Intro")]

(set:$god to (text-style:"smear")) A voice cuts through the void like a thunderclap: $god["Awaken, my child."] [[Who are you?->Intro 2]] [[Skip Intro->Stats 1]]

$god["I am the Egg and the Chicken, The Alpha and the Omega-3. I am your Bird-Creator, and you are one of my favorite $bs] (link: "Cool.")[(set: $religion to "Unsure")(goto: "Intro 3a")] (link: "Praise the Lord!")[(set: $religion to "Enthusiastic")(goto: "Intro 3b")] (link: "I don't believe in you")[(set: $religion to "Atheist")(goto: "Intro 3c")]

$god[You were always quite the chilled-out $b, my child. This is why I have come to you for help.] [[Help with what?->Intro 4]]

$god[You have always been quite the skeptical $b, my child. That is why I have come to you for help.] [[Help with what?->Intro 4]] [[This isn't real->Intro 3c2]]

$god[You have always been quite the pious $b, my child. That is why I have come to you for help.] [[Help with what?->Intro 4]]

$god[I come to you with weathered feathers and a request... You must take this envelope full of (colour: green)[CASH] to the lady Anna Crane. She lives in a public bath in the sky, across town.] You feel strange, as though your thoughts are not your own. Why??(click-replace: "Why??")[[[Sure thing!->Intro 5]]] No, do it yourself.(click-replace: "No, do it yourself.")[[[Sure thing!->Intro 5]]] This is absurd(click-replace: "This is absurd")[[[Sure thing!->Intro 5]]]

$god[Perhaps it is not. This changes nothing. Are you ready to listen?] [[Fine.->Intro 4]]

$god[ A great birden I have placed upon thy shoulders, do not run afowl, remember..."] //You hear the voice start to fade away.// $god["it's all about the (colour:green)[CASH]..."] You are jolted awake in your nest. Welcome to [[Bird Quest->Bird Quest]].

You step out of your nest, and into the [[blinding sunlight->Stats 1]].

Checkpoint reached (text-style:"italic")[+5 naiveté] (text-style:"italic")[+1 cell phone] $god[(text-style:"italic")[+1 envelope of (colour: green)[CASH]]] (text-style:"italic")[degrees slanted: 0] (text-style:"italic")[(colour:#ffd700)[$B Special Ability:]] \(colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "ostrich")[(text-style:"underline")\ [Head In The Sand]]]\ (colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "penguin")[(text-style:"underline")\ [Waddle or Dive]]]\ (colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "goose")[(text-style:"underline")\ [Vicious Bastard]]]\ (colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "chicken")[(text-style:"underline")\ [Serve Thyself]]]  \(colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "ostrich")[This ability will allow you to ignore seemily glaring problems by either literally or figuratively sticking your head in the sand.]] \(colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "penguin")[This ability will, by random chance, have you waddle or dive. Not much more to it.]] \(colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "goose")[This ability will allow you to completely lose your shit and enter a goose-rage.]] \(colour:#ffd700)[(if: $b is "chicken")[This ability will allow you to offer yourself up as a meal. Seems generally ill-advised but you never know]] [[Got it?->A1S1]]

You wake up. For real this time. It looks like you're in a warehouse. Dark industrial tubs of chemicals litter its perimeter, and you notice various small clumps of feathers stuck to the back wall. You cannot move your arms, and upon further inspection seem to be tied to a chair. This is off to a bad start. [[A figure stands before you confidently->A1S2]]

(set: $s to 15) (live:1s)[(text-rotate:$s)[Degrees slanted: $s]] [Eat one of the strange snacks]<snacks|(click:?snacks)[(set: $s to it + 30)]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You examine the winged figure, its clawed feet are steady on the concrete floor. The creature's torso is feathered and dirty, up until the neck, where there is an abrupt bloodied stump where a head might be. It's Miracle Mike, the Headless Rooster. He's been performing at the (colour:orange)[(font:"Comic Sans MS")[Casino]] this week for (colour: green)[CASH], and is apparently a big deal. "glllrrrllglll" he gargles. It is a hideous noise. (set:$understands to 0) [[Pardon me?->A1S3]] (link: "Ah, yes, of course")[(set: $understands to it + 1)(goto: "A1S3")]

A rooster approaches from your side and slaps you across your $b-face. He is clearly one of Mike's hired goons "He says you stole from him." The henchrooster explains. Mike continues to make gargling noises and produces a pistol from the folds of his plumage. (link:"I know what he said")[(set: $understands to it + 1)(goto:"A1S4")] [[Did he?->A1S4]] (if: $b is "chicken")[[[Serve Thyself: Would you like to eat me?->A1S4D]]] (enchant: "Serve Thyself:", (text-colour: #ffd700))

Mike holds the pistol to what he hopes is your temple, but it's kind of aimed just past you. He is headless, after all, and can't see for shit. "GRLLLGL" Mike shrieks, waving the gun. A chunk of viscus bubbles up from his neck-stump and plops onto the concrete floor. "Maybe this will jog your memory..." the translator explains. He rolls an oldschool television set in front of you and starts struggling with the remote. (enchant: "wiggle", (text-style:"shudder")) [[Try to wiggle free->A1S5a]] [[See where he goes with this->A1S5b]] (if: $b is "chicken")[[[Serve Thyself: Would you like to eat me?->A1S4D]]] (enchant: "Serve Thyself:", (text-colour: #ffd700))

You contort your body in the chair, close your eyes, focus, and cook yourself from the inside out. It is a horrifying display, and if Mike had eyes he would surely have shielded them. You have died. Next time, think twice before serving yourself up as a meal. Not sure why that wasn't immediately obvious to you. [[Back to checkpoint->Stats 1]]

(set: $w to (text-style:"shudder")) //You attempt to $w[wiggle] free.// Mike's henchrooster is still fidgeting with the TVs remote. He's clicking UP and it's not registering so he's mashing it and then it's going up two instead of one and the whole thing's just not going anywhere productive at all. "This remote is CLUCKED" he shouts. Mike The Headless Chicken is still waving the pistol menacingly at a spot several meters to the side of your head. //Your attempt to $w[wiggle] free is unsuccessful.// The $w[wiggle] itself is a success, as far as $w[wiggles] go; you did $w[wiggle], but it brought you no closer to freedom. Damn. [[See where he's going with this->A1S5b]] (if: $b is "chicken")[[[Serve Thyself: Would you like to eat me?->A1S4D]]] (enchant: "Serve Thyself:", (text-colour: #ffd700)) $w[wiggle]

You decide to see where Mike The Headless Chicken and company going with this whole video presentation thing. The translator finally manages to turn on the TV. [[Watch the video->A1S5c]] (if: $b is "ostrich")[[[Head In The Sand: I'm not looking!->A1S6]]] (enchant: "Head In The Sand:", (text-colour: #ffd700))

You watch the video: It is security camera footage of a suspicious looking $b stealing poker chips from unsuspecting (colour: orange)[(font:"Comic Sans MS")[Casino]]-goers. Is it you? Maybe. It's definitely $ba. [[Look closer->A1S7]] (if: $b is "ostrich")[(link: "Head In The Sand: I'm not looking!")[(set: $ignore to "2")(goto: "A1S6")]] (enchant: "Head In The Sand:", (text-colour: #ffd700))

You completely tune out (if:$ignore is "2")[the rest of] the video using your Special Ability. Mike looks at you expectantly, or rather aims his torso in your general direction and makes a choking noise. (if:$ignore is "2")[You have acquired no additional information from the video.] [[That choking noise means nothing to me->A1S8]] (link: "Why yes, Mike, I see where you're coming from but I respectfully disagree")[(set:$understands to it + 1)(goto:"A1S8")] (enchant: "Special Ability", (text-colour: #ffd700))

(set: $snapback to "true") You squint your dopey little eyes and notice that the $b in the video is wearing a distinctive (colour: purple)[purple snapback]. Mike looks at you expectantly, or rather aims his torso in your general direction and makes a choking noise. [[That choking noise means nothing to me->A1S8]] (link: "Why yes, Mike, I see where you're coming from but I respectfully disagree")[(set:$understands to it + 1)(goto:"A1S8")]

"BLLRGGH!" Mike is in a complete fury. "You've done it now..." the henchrooster says. "He says he'll let you go...if you can beat him at a little game..." [[Play the game->A1S9b]] (if: $understands is 3)["Pssst." Mike's henchrooster moves in really close. "I've noticed you're really good at understanding Mike's gargles. I have a [[proposition->A1S9a]] for you..."]

"The rules are simple." the henchrooster explains. "It's a good old-fashioned game of Chicken. You and Mike will start at opposite ends of the room and charge at one another. First one to slow down or let up loses." The henchrooster unties you from the chair and escorts you to a far corner of the room. "Ready?" [[Ready->chickengame1]] (if: $b is "goose")[[[Vicious Bastard: completely lose your goose-shit->A1S10b]]] (enchant: "Vicious Bastard", (text-colour: #ffd700))

"You can understand him, can't you." the henchrooster seems fascinated by you. All three times he's gargled at you...you've answered with confidence...with poise. Perhaps you are one of us... one of we chosen few, we Interpreters of the Headless Gargles. If you can take a short quiz and prove to me that you truly understand Mike's headless gargles, I will set you free. Otherwise, we can play the game Mike had in mind...I wouldn't advise it, he never loses. [[Play the henchrooster's game->garglegame1]] [[Play Headless Mike's game->chickengame1]] (if: $b is "goose")[[[Vicious Bastard: completely lose your goose-shit->A1S10b]]] (enchant: "Vicious Bastard", (text-colour: #ffd700))

You use your Special Ability to channel your inner goose-rage and completely lose your goose-shit, as if you were defending one of your very own goslings. You knock over the henchrooster in a vicious blur of goose-rage, Mike shrieks and drops his pistol. You make for the [[exit->exit1]]. (enchant: "Special Ability", (text-colour: #ffd700))

The game of Chicken has begun. Mike barrels forwards with the type of disregard for one's own well-being only a headless rooster could be capable of. [[Run at Mike->chickengame2]] [[Chicken out->deadchicken]]

"Shall we begin?" the henchrooster asks, rhetorically. "Ok, Mike, do your worst" Mike the Headless Rooster makes a sputtering noise and then says something that sounds like "HRRRRRRRRNGL". "So what did he just say?" [[a) He's hungry for corn->garglegame2]] [[b) He misses his head->garglegame2]] [[c) He's wondering what ever happened to that show Awake that was on NBC that one year in like 2012 maybe about the cop living in two different realities, he thinks it deserved a second season at least, there's much worse stuff out there that got a longer TV run->gargledead1]]

As you make for the door, you notice two objects upon the ground: Mike's pistol and the chunk of vicus that he emitted from his head-stump. You only have time to grab one of them, because that's how these things work. (link: "Grab the pistol")[)(goto: "endact1")] (link: "Grab the chunk of viscus")[)(goto: "endact1")]

You leave the (colour:orange)[(font:"Comic Sans MS")[Casino]] and wander out into the vibrant and diverse town of Birdville, where endless adventures await. Unfortunately, you have also awakened the Gatekeeper. He is furious, look: <img src="http://birdproblems.ca/birdquest/gatekeeper.jpg" height="400px" width="40%"> You have reached the end of Act 1. Welcome to Bird Quest. We do everything through <a href="https://www.facebook.com/BirdProblems">Facebook.com/BirdProblems</a> and can also be found on <a href="https://www.birdproblems.ca">www.birdproblems.ca</a> If you want more Bird Quest, let us know!

You jump out of the way just in time, and Mike barrels past you. You have lost the game. The headless rooster hops around with victorious glee, and promptly shoots you in the face. It's times like these that we are reminded of the classic $b adage: "Never play chicken with a headless rooster". (text-style:"shadow")[You are dead.] [[Back to checkpoint->Stats 1]]

Mike shows now indication of slowing, his head-stump spurting an array of bodily material in his path. [[Keep running at Mike->chickengame3]] [[Chicken out->deadchicken]]

Mike is inches from you. It is clear that he is not stopping. If you're going to chicken out, now would be the time. [[Run at Mike->chickengamewin]] [[Chicken out->deadchicken]]

You and Mike collide at full speed, both of you crumpling to the floor. Luckily for you, Mike has terrible balance. This may or may not have something to do with his not having a head. You rise and brush yourself off. The game seems to have been a tie. Mike is writhing on the ground, and has dropped his pistol. [[Run for it->exit1]]

"What a spectacularly specific response", the henchrooster says. "Probably would have been a safter bet to go with something more simple. You did hear him right? That was like a single noise. I don't know how familiar you are with speech in general but that was far too much information for him to have transmitted in a single gargle. You are clearly not as skilled as I thought. Silly $b..." Mike gargles excitedly and shoots you in the face. (text-style:"shadow")[You are dead.] [[Back to checkpoint->Stats 1]]

"That's absolutely right!" The henchrooster exclaims. "Ok, here's a harder one. Mike, what's your favorite colour?" "HRLLLNNNLLLL" Mike sputters. [[a) Orange->gargledead2]] [[b) Blue->gargledead2]] [[c) Trick question, he just said "Cereal".->garglegamewin]]

"Wow! Nice catch" says the hencrooster. "I barely even caught that one. You are clearly a gifted $b" Mike drops his pistol in utter disbelief and falls to his knees. [[Run for it->exit1]]

"That's too bad." says the henchrooster. "That's not correct at all. You are a sham, it seems." Mike gargles excitedly and shoots you in the face. (text-style:"shadow")[You are dead.] [[Back to checkpoint->Stats 1]]